Monday, May 31, 2010

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

SNAKES! Tis the season for the buggers.

Yesterday, as I walked toward the barn in the early afternoon sunshine, I saw Cowboy the barn cat playing with something near the edge of the driveway. He'd swat at the something, then spit and pop straight up into the air. I never heard him spit before. Never saw him do a three foot vertical before. So I set down whatever it was I was carrying and moseyed over to see what all the fuss was. A snake. A big one. And it rattled.

It didn't likes the looks of me much either, so it slithered up the manure pile, then down into some long grass on the other side.

I debated. Should I get the gun? Should I leave it be? Should I run like the sandal wearing floppy hat adorned chicken shit that I really am?

I did what any self respecting man would do.
I pummeled it with a shovel.

After I got tired of swinging the shovel - it was very hot out - I scooped it up with a manure fork and carried across the road and threw it in the willow brush. I didn't take the time to measure it, but it was over four feet long.

Problem solved. Back to work. Forgot all about it.


I went out to my shop after lunch today and found this:

Hmm....what is that doing on the floor? It's supposed to be up on the shelf right here:

(Insert girly squeal here)

I actually think I said "Jeeeeeesus Christ you have GOT to be kidding me." And maybe did the pee pee dance a little.

So I gathered my wits and decided that I wasn't going to kill this one. I'll just put on some gloves and grab him and....well....and then what? I'm no Crocodile Dundee.

So I called my neighbor. "Jim, you afraid of snakes? Yeah, I got one in my shop. Couldya help me get it out? Cool, thanks." So Jim comes over, takes one look at it and says, "Jeeeeeesus Christ you have GOT to be kidding me!"

Who's the scaredy cat now?

It's up on the shelf above my air compressor, all comfy cozy with my impact wrench and my socket set and stuff.

This shelf is 66" off the floor.
I don't want to know the how. I just want it The Hell Gone.

Well, we "manned up" and between the two of us, two pairs of gloves, a trashcan, a broom, a butterfly net, a snow shovel, a fiberglass rod, and a camera, we got it safely relocated to the willow brush across the road.

I'm never going in my shop again.


Gail said...

I hate to laugh at your discomfort but I am rolling, I love this.
I think the line, "Should I run like the sandal wearing floppy hat adorned chicken shit that I really am?" is my favorite.

You did a very fine job. You make all the sandal wearing floppy hatted chicken shits proud!!!!

The Wife said...

Holy crap! My husband would have had a heart attack about the one in the shop. He would have shot a hole in the wall trying to kill it!

Christine and John said...

Hey, that's pretty scary. I showed John the picture of the snake, he said it was a pine snake and that they bite the horses in the legs. Enough bites and it could kill a horse. Don't know if this is true but worth checking out.

Jeffro said...

Oh Man! I'm laughing with you - not at you - albeit very nervously. There is nothing I hate more than getting the shit scared right out of me by the buzz of an unexpected rattler. Which is what they all are - unexpected.

My policy is to let the bullsnakes go - but when I see a snake crossing the road, I aim for it. If I miss and see it's not a rattler, I don't back up. Rattlers at home get shot.

Brrr. Even on your shelf. Brrr.

Cedar View Paint Horses said...

Hey Gail, laugh away. I'm still laughing about it, even tho I won't sleep ONE WINK tonite.

Oh that's right, Kit - your hubby isn't fond of them either! Show him the pics!

Oh Chris, John is so full of shit I can smell him from here. They are constrictors, not biters. Just BIG HOLY SHIT IN YOUR FACE constrictors. After I changed my shorts we "rassled" him into the trash can. It was surpisingly strong.

Aunt Krissy said...

So you squealed like a 5th grade girl. I'm not scared of snakes, but them I never have had a big ass snake like that near me and not in a cage.

Danni said...

OMG, OMG, OMG....I am simultaneously horrified and have tears running down my cheeks from laughing out loud. This was -without a doubt- the most hilariously frightening post I have ever read. You *crack* me up...but ewwww....and "girly squeal"??? ah ha ha ha...but OMG OMG OMG. Snakes like this are just. not. right. I don't blame you for never going in your shop again. Or at least send your wife in first next time. ;-) lol

CTG Ponies said...

I would have let out a girly squeal too! Just imagine if you had needed something off of that shelf and had just reached for it. They do keep the varmints out but I walk a wide circle around snakes. Hubby has to poke at them but I stay away.

in2paints said...

I want nothing to do with snakes of any kind!!

So I would have run away because I am a sandal wearing floppy hatted chicken shit, and dang proud of it!! :)

I commend you, though, because as much as I hate snakes, it terrifies me when they're around my horses.

Gail said...

I am relieved it was not a rattler. I did not think it looked like a pit viper but who cares when it scares you anyway. Jump first and then check out what kind it it...that's my rule.

Funny word verification...redang

Nikki said...

Three things that I am loving about this whole snake wrangling adventure.......
#1. I answer the phone and I hear Andy's voice quivering "Uh...Is Jim home?" I am hoping that nothing is wrong because I could sense the urgency in Andy's voice and Jimmy saying that he will be right over. Upon hanging up, Jimmy states that Andy needs help getting a "HUGE" snake out of the shed because he might piss his pants if he has to do it. Now, Jimmy has always liked snakes (he used to have one when we first dated--thank God it died shortly after--NO I didn't poison it--but YES I would have if it didn't die first)but I could tell he was not too excited about this favor.
#2. I love the fact that Jimmy took the girls pink butterfly net with him when he left!! I am picturing two grown men bantering back and forth about how to get this slimy monster into a little girls "toy" butterfly net!
#3. That these two "manly" men released this creature back into nature, knowing full well that he will find his way back to the comfort of Andy's shed or barn. You shoulda killed him boys.
I hope your snake wrangling is over for the summer. I have never laughed so hard reading your story!

Unknown said...


Snakes like power tools. You may have to share. :)

Shirley said...

I am so glad that we don't have many snakes here; I would have screamed too if I saw either of those snakes; especially one all comfy on a shelf! Downright kind of you to let that one go.....

Kellie said...

Yikes! That is a scary ass snake!

Hope I never ever see anything like that at our place!

gtyyup said...

You're right...tis the season!

My girlfriend keeps telling me that the reason the snake kept trying to go back to our house is because it's got babies in there! What a friend!

Hope we're both done with snakes for the year...but I doubt it!

Eva said...

My old snake Damian is rolling over in his grave. Hilarious though, I can see you doing and saying all of that!